Why I Can't Have Children

It has nothing to do with a physical inability. If such a condition exists in me, I am, at this point, blissfully unaware because I would have no way of knowing.

It's not court ordered. I haven't done anything to harm any child, though I'd be lying if I said the desire wasn't there.

It's personal awareness.

Yesterday was my sisters second boy/girl birthday party. Her birthday is in March, but she likes to have it during summer vacation out in my parents yard. I can't say I blame her; in hindsight, I wish I did the same thing. This year she had a combined birthday party with another friend of hers, which, I'm assuming, freed up more funds as there were 2 parental incomes to drain. As a result, this party was pretty freakin' huge. They had a DJ and certain separate foods for parents and children and God knows what else. All in all, it was a very nice party and I'm glad I was able to attend.

Last year... was a different story. I was nearly banned from my sisters birthday this year due to my behavior last year. But to be fair, the behavior in question was completely in reaction to the unacceptable behavior of beastly children.

I know, I'm the adult... I should act like it and be able to keep my cool. They're just showing off and they don't know how to act, right? Yeah, sure, but come on people. There are certain things you just don't do no matter how old you are, end of story. But, again, kids are kids and do things wrong even when they know they're wrong and parents need to be aware of it and act accordingly. This is something I'm not good at.

I demanded that they give me $1 each for the bottles of water they were wasting dumping on each other. This was mainly directed at the boys. Don't pretend you don't see why the boys would want to get in a water fight. Development is innumerably more interesting at that age than at any other, that's all I'll say. But the girls were being unnecessarily naive about it too. Didn't have the effect I wanted because kids don't like feeling like they're being singled out, even when they aren't. They don't understand why it's a different kind of wrong based on their sex and adults need to be more diplomatic about cross-gender issues. This is something I'm not good at.

After that I couldn't handle the unyielding attempts of "couples" to disappear together. Yes, "couples." Because hand holding doesn't constitute relationship in my book... it didn't when I was that age and it doesn't now. I may have been physically shaking after a while. Not really, but I was getting seriously irritated and I didn't want some parent yelling at me for something I said to their kid. My mom was able to remain calm and handle the situation with a level head. This is something I'm not good at.

This year... I was much more laid back. My mom made a few great changes to the formula for the party that I'm assuming she learned through mistakes made last year. Parents were invited, and because she had better food and drinks for parents only, more of them actually stayed. Jabari, my sisters basketball coach and father of a friend, along with my brother were good chaperons. They were playing wiffle ball with them and were involved in whatever else the kids were doing. They are better at it than I think I'll ever be. They somehow react to the errors kids make (that was a very kind choice of words) more smoothly and respond more similarly to the way they would an adult while still establishing their dominance. They're in charge and make it known, but they don't make the kids feel like "just kids." This is something I'm not good at.

Did you notice how I ended the last 4 paragraphs? "This is something I'm not good at." It's not that I'll never be, I'm just not ready to be. I'm far too selfish, and honestly I don't feel too bad about it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again... this is the only time in my life that can seriously be "me" time. Once I have a kid, that's all gone. And I'm aware of it. I'm aware of the repercussions and I'm aware of my shortcomings. Self awareness is key.

I get irritated when I go to a public place with lots of kids and they're all over the place. And, realistically, I think some of what I'm irritated about is well-founded. There is a disurbingly large number of parents out there who obviously weren't ready and weren't as self aware as I am. As a result, their kids run wild in the streets like ruffians. Kids run wild, yeah, but they also need boundaries and a lot of them don't seem to be getting enough of them.

I came across this line in the book I'm reading yesterday:

Parents always make their worst mistakes with the oldest children. That's when parents know the least and care the most, so they're more likely to be wrong and also more likely to insist that they're right.

Now, this was a statement made by one character deliberately to force a reaction from another, but there's a little bit of truth to it... It is a "mistake" that many parents make and must make in order to learn from it. I think a lot of my problem with many parents has this at it's core. Change it to apply to all children and not just the oldest, amplify it, and add in a bit about parents believing their children have and never will do anything wrong... and bingo, you have a big mess of kid's who are more in control of their parents than their parents are of them.

This is something I want to avoid. I'm hoping I'll know when I'm ready to put someone else's needs in front of my own. Because at that point I'll be ready to learn, from many mistakes I'm sure, how to obtain the abilities that would have allowed me to end those paragraphs with: "This is something I'm good at."

So really, I guess, you can add to the title of this entry "... Yet"


Oh and for anyone who's wondering, the book I'm reading is called Xenocide and it's by Orson Scott Card. It's geeky sci-fi and the third installment in the Enderverse.